


baby, heaven's in your eyes

by jaureguivibes



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Clarke falling in love with Lexa, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 11:54:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6237592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaureguivibes/pseuds/jaureguivibes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times all you see is anger and coldness when you stare into her eyes - maybe it isn't directed to you, maybe it's directed to this bad world out there. You want to hug her, and prove that there is still some good left.</p><p>(And one time you look at each other with so much love that you realize she is the good in this bad world.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	baby, heaven's in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Because Clexa's development through the episodes is fascinating (and also because I'm trying to comfort myself by assuming Lexa is still alive), I decided to write this.
> 
> Also, I know that Lexa literally has heart-eyes every time she looks at Clarke but let's pretend that Clarke doesn't realize it.
> 
> Thanks for reading. :-)

You become paralyzed the first time you see her.

There are people around you, that lead you into the tent she was in, and you are trying to catch your breath.  _This is for your people,_ you keep reminding yourself. You tell yourself that it isn't the time to be intimidated - or to be fascinated in this case, as much as you don't want to admit.

"You're the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive," she says, without even bothering to take a look at you. As if she knows, she  _feels,_ how much of a coward you are. You damn yourself despite the fact that you stare.

"You're the one who sent them there to kill us," you shoot back. You are  _the_ Clarke Griffin. She must know that it isn't that easy to blame you. As selfish and evil as that sounds to burn people, you do it for your people. And she must understand that.

Her head finally rises as she places her knife on her throne with a thud. "Do you have an answer for me, Clarke of the Sky People?"

 _Don't crack your cold exterior,_ you tell yourself over and over. When you say "I've come to make you an offer," you are glad that your voice doesn't tremble. She doesn't look quite interested but she hasn't attempted to kill you with that knife in her right hand and that's even further than you've expected.

"This is not a negotiation," she simply states. Her eyes are digging into yours now and you are about to lose your mind because of how worried you are. For your people, but mostly for your life.

The black woman standing behind you interrupts your conversation -if it can be called a conversation- and her voice is so full of anger and irritation and disgust that you nearly hold your breath.  _Hold on Clarke,_ you internally mutter,  _you can do this._

So when the Commander raises her hand and the woman stops, you immediately start talking. "I can help you beat the Mountain Men."

For the first time, she looks a bit interested - only a slight bit. And she grabs her knife, almost in a calming motion. "Go on," she tells you. And who are you to oppose, you willingly do so.

"Hundreds of your people are trapped inside Mount Weather, kept in cages, their blood is used as medicine."

Her face is not very expressive, you've understood in a short period of time. But it shows the worry now. The worry she has for her people. "How do you know this?"

"Because I saw them," you say, starting to gain a little more confidence. To see that you both are worried about the whole situation makes you feel better. "My people are prisoners there too." It becomes hard to say it, you realize. You feel that familiar knot in your stomach. "I was one of them."

As you take a deep breath, the black woman says "No one escapes the Mountain." Oh and how unaware she is of your existence then.

"I did," you say with passion. You did and your people can too. "With Anya. We fought our way out together."

You see a tiny glimpse of emotion -an emotion other than worry, like a mix of compassion and interest, now that she has heard Anya's name- in her ice blue eyes. "Another lie," the woman says, once again trying to crack your confidence. "Anya died in the fire, you killed her."

It gets hard to breathe for a second because it's true, you know it. You want to say that you didn't mean it and things were more  _complicated_ than that but it wouldn't do anything other than getting you killed. So you nervously place your hand in your pocket, trying to find the certain something that can save your life.

You hear the people behind your back attempting to hold their knives as you slowly pull out Anya's braid. "She told me you were her second. I'm sure she'd want you to have this," you say, taking a few steps closer to the Commander.

She leans in and takes the braid from your hands and you shiver at how cold her hands are, maybe from holding the knife for so long, or maybe because she is also cold as ice. "We don't know it's hers," the black woman says and you want to ask her if she hates you or something - you would, if you weren't so damn sure of the answer already.

The Commander says something in a language you don't know, however you understand that the black woman's name is Indra - and you also understand that the Commander is much more intimidating when she isn't speaking English and people are obeying her.

"Anya was my mentor," she starts talking and you unintentionally take a step back. Her presence is so powerful, you can feel it deep in your bones. And some people call  _you_ intimidating for God's sake. "Before I was called to lead my people." You understandingly nod, because you do. You understand how painful it must be to lose someone that has helped you.

She doesn't stare at you like you're her enemy.  _It might be a first,_ you think. She gently puts the braid down. "Did she die well?" she asks and you congratulate her internally for being brave -cold, or whatever that leads to this- enough to ask about it.

"Yes, by my side, trying to get a message to you." Once again, there is this interested flicker in her eyes and you wonder if it appears there just because you are over-analyzing her or if she once in awhile gets interested in what you are talking about.

Her words are sharp as she asks "What message?"

You stop for a split second before talking about the main reason you're here - you have been trying to make sure you'll leave this place alive for minutes and now it's time to tell the Commander some things properly. "The only way to save both our people is if we join together."

"Those who are about to die will say anything," Indra says.  _I'm not about to die,_ you want to say to her.  _And I am not saying just anything either._ But just because you are alive now, doesn't mean you will be for the rest of your visit. And you can't risk dying yet.

However, the Commander doesn't side with Indra. "I'm still waiting for an offer, Clarke," she says and that's like a blessing for you at that very moment. Her eyes are still cold and the way she says your name sends a shiver down your spine -to be honest, everything about her does- but that means that she is giving you a chance.

Knowing that the Commander of 12 Clans doesn't give that chance to everyone, you are more than blessed to be in this position right now.

"The Mountain Men are turning your people into Reapers." She directly stares at you as if she's waiting for you to say more, so you do. "I can turn them back."

"Impossible." Indra's voice is as sharp as the knife the Commander has been holding in her hand for a while. Then she adds another sentence to her speech, her voice still full of poison.

 _The Commander gave you a chance,_ you remind yourself. "I've done it, with Lincoln," you say with passion in your words.  _For your people,_ you think.

Suddenly, Indra is walking towards you and you are not surprised -however, a bit scared because the Grounders are more than powerful when it comes to slitting people's throats- at all. She is building sentences you can't even understand because of the buzzling in your ears. Maybe your blood pressure is lowering and maybe you will die before she torments you.

But you are surprised, actually surprised, when the Commander interrupts her with a single word.  _You are not dead yet,_ you manage to tell yourself. You would smirk if you weren't so scared for your life in general.

After her surprising interruption, the Commander surprises you even more with her sudden act. She gets up from her throne and walks towards you. Not in a  _'you are barely a few seconds away from dying'_ way but in a  _'as the Commander, I rose from my throne for you and you better appreciate it'_ type of way. Oh and how appreciative you were about it.

She gets so close to you that you've realized that it's nearly possible to live without breathing -all thanks to the intimidating and fascinating Commander- and her eyes are still so cold as they are focused on you. "You say you can turn Reapers back into men," she says.

You are not sure if this is a normal sentence or a question but you still nod slightly. You can. You know you can. You've done it before and there is nothing that can stop you from doing again. You'll do anything,  _anything_ for your people. "Yes," you say as you nod confidently this time.

"Then prove it," she says. You don't know how to analyze the look on her face - maybe disgust, maybe anger and maybe an aggressive form of worry. "Show me."

And then, you let your eyes meet her intimidating ones that still look at you with because you  _definitely_ will.

* * *

You realize that you are still intimidated to be next to her.

Well, you definitely have your reasons. Everyone is scared to get in her way and you have done just that - actually, maybe it isn't 'getting in her way', because after all you made an offer to her that includes her people as well. You two are standing and it amazes you that you are nearly at the same height.

"I lost someone special to me too," she says. Her voice doesn't sound comforting at all but it is definitely an improved voice considering that you met a short a while ago. It feels hard to breathe again. You hate it. You hate losing people after trying so hard to keep them by your side. You hate how selfish that sounds. You hate how unlucky you are to be sent to this damn place.

But then again, maybe you are lucky than most of the Grounders because you are sure that the Commander doesn't go out comforting them all the time.

"Her name was Costia." Her chest is heaving and the pain in her voice is obvious. You turn your head to her, maybe in an attempt to lock your eyes with her emotionless ones. But her gaze is quite away. As if she's looking at another dimension. "She was captured by the Ice Nation whose Queen believed she knew my secrets. Because she was mine, they tortured her, killed her, cut off her head."

Her sharp jaw moves slightly. Her eyes are filled with so much anger just like her voice, you don't need to see her to understand it. "I'm sorry," you say. It is the lamest way to comfort someone, you know it. But it sounds like nothing can make her pain go away.

"I thought I'd never get over the pain," she says. It is scary how full of rage she is, even though she would probably never admit it. "But I did."

You are fighting the tears that are threatening to come down.  _Not now,_ you try to tell yourself.  _You need to deal with this pain alone._ "How?" you ask. You hate how weak your voice is. How unable to fight the tight feeling in your chest you are. You hate how some people have the ability to take away all those you love.

You hate it, you hate it, you hate it.

"By recognizing it is for what it is." You don't believe the way to get over the pain can be this easy. It is almost like telling someone to 'let it go.' You bite your tongue, trying to ignore the tears and turn your head to the Commander again. She reflects your motion at the same time.

You hate how you get these shivers every time you look at those beautiful eyes of hers. You hate how those sapphire eyes show nothing more than anger - maybe it's not directed towards you, this time, but you want to see the human side of her. You want to see the part of the Commander that couldn't get over the pain of her lover being killed violently. You hate that you can't.

Your gaze is a mix of sadness even though you don't quite realize it at that moment. And for a second, when your eyes meet, you think that there is a spark of compassion and care in her eyes. You want to believe it. You hate that you can't.

"Weakness," she says, her voice filled with something like disgust again. The disgust towards Ice Nation that killed Costia.

"What is?" you ask, praying that your voice isn't trembling. But in contrast of her strong and angry voice, yours is shaking and weak. "Love?" She nods as her eyes drift away and she turns her head back. "So you just stopped caring?" you ask again, in a desperate attempt to soothe your pain. "About everyone?"

You want the pain to go away. You want to have someone that could make it go away. You hate that there is no one can do that.

She nods again. You don't want to believe that the only way to avoid the pain is to stop caring. You hate that it is the truth. "I could never do that," you say while turning your head away as well.

"Then you put the people you care about in danger." You don't want to do that. There must be a way to still be able to feel while protecting everyone. "And the pain will never go away." You want to believe that the Commander is lying. But she doesn't. Her eyes meet yours once more. "The dead are gone, Clarke," she says. Her words are paining you. You want to stop hearing her. "The living are hungry."

And then she turns her back, leaving with sharp steps.

You want to hate her and the way she hates the world. You want to hate how she says there isn't any other way to make the pain go away other than not caring. You want to hate that she doesn't believe there is good left in this world. You hate that you can't.

* * *

You don't know how to feel when you are standing right in front of her and her people along with the Sky People.

The atmosphere is still tense, however you believe that this is a step for peace. Because the Commander's eyes don't look so full of anger now and maybe, you think - just maybe, she will try for peace too. "Please, accept this gift, Commander," Marcus says, his voice friendly.

The Commander is cautious, you know it. You don't need her to prove it, a simple look towards her and you can understand how nervous she is to be in this situation. You also know that you are over-analyzing her again but you want to know more about her.

"We drink this at special occasions," Marcus adds with a bright smile. Considering that no one other than him dares to lighten up the mood in the room, it is great to have him here. "I believe this qualifies."

She nods to the man next to him and he takes the bottle from Marcus' hands. He is huge - and not because you are short from most of the people you know. He then gives the bottle to the Commander who seems thankful -once again, you are not sure if it's being thankful, you just kind of hope so- for the gift.

"Thank you," she says, her voice as soft as the clear night sky outside. "Marcus of the Sky People." You appreciate the fact that she is trying to be friendly as well.

Marcus looks polite as he replies. "You're welcome, Lexa... kom Tri Kru. Just don't drink too much of it." She doesn't seem affected by his words or the way he is smiling. Of course, she isn't affected, you think. She is the Commander. No one except her people matter to her.

"Clarke, let us drink together." Her voice is demanding but your eyes meet -there is no emotion in her eyes now, something that you are used to- and you can't help but shiver. You can't help but wonder if she feels the same when you lock eyes.

You know she doesn't. "It would be my pleasure."

The huge man next to him holds two cups in his large hands. He puts them down and the Commander starts filling the cups. You realize that her hands look way too smooth when she is doing something other than holding her favorite item - her knife. For a mere second, you realize that she is not very older than you. That she is just a teenager too, after all.

You wish that any type of emotion would flicker in her eyes again but it doesn't. She offers one cup to you. "Heda, allow me," the huge man says. The Commander passes the cup to him. You realize that Heda sounds better than the Commander. It sounds more dangerous. A dangerous label for a dangerous girl like her.

The huge man takes a sip from the cup as everyone looks at him. You are counting seconds until he gives the cup to the Commander again. To say that you are relieved when he is done drinking would be an understatement. You know that your people would never poison someone, but you are scared.

"Tonight, we celebrate our new-found peace," the Commander says, her emotionless eyes wandering around the room. "Tomorrow, we plan our war." You stare at her until her eyes find their way to you too. "To those we've lost, and to those we shall soon find."

You lock your eyes with hers when you find the courage to do so. The war paint nearly overshadows the beauty of her eyes - nearly. She brings the cup closer to her lips as you do the same. For a second, you damn yourself for taking a moment to look at her lips and pray that no one realized.

Just as you both are about to take a sip from your cups, the huge man falls down on the table.

He says something like "poison" while he starts coughing. Everyone is running around, some to try to save the man and some to attack the Sky People. You don't want to believe it. You don't -can't- believe that Sky People can try to poison the Grounders.

Bellamy instantly throws away your cup as well because you are in way too much of a shock to do anything. Someone pulls out his sword and yells at them. You can only stare at what is happening as the Grounders come closer to attack them.

"It wasn't us, you have to know this!" You yell. You want them to know that Sky People would  _never_ do such thing. You want the Commander to know that her people would never try to poison her or any of her people. You don't want that anger and disgust in her eyes to be directed at you.

The Commander tells her people something, yells even. Sky People are trying to defend themselves against the Grounders as they are being taken away. The Commander stands up and her eyes meet yours. Her eyes are so full of rage and you are sure that she hates you. You want to die right at that moment.

"No, we didn't do this!" You say. You want her to believe you. You  _need_ her to believe you. You would never ever harm her. You wouldn't be able to.

"Gustus warned me about you but I didn't listen," she says, inside here it's loud but you can only hear her. Her people are forcing your people out but your eyes can only focus on her. You want to tell her to stop looking at her like this - like you are the most disgusting thing in the world but she can't.

"Lexa, please," you say. And saying her name makes you feel things you never have before. It makes you feel like she is human too but your people have just attempted to poison her -at least that's what it looks like- and she looks determined enough to kill you right on the spot.

She comes closer to you and you are shivering again. "Tell me something Clarke." The anger in her eyes kills you. "When you plunged the knife into the heart of the boy you loved, did you not wish that it was mine?"

You don't breathe for a second. You don't want to. You feel paralyzed and you know that you don't have an answer. You can't find any words to oppose.

You have made the Commander hate you, and you can see it in her eyes.

* * *

You haven't had the chance to spend much time with the Commander, but you like it when she is soothed.

Most of the time, hundreds of thoughts about everything and nothing pass her mind all at once. You wouldn't be able to understand if you didn't look at her so deeply every time. You appreciate the fact that you two are on better terms now. And it gets easier to look into her eyes when you don't see the anger directed towards you there.

"You sent for me?" you ask, feeling a bit bad to interrupt whatever she is doing because she looks so calm and you unintentionally wish that she would always be that calm.

She turns her head to you and somehow, she looks defenseless. "Yes," she replies. "Octavia has nothing to fear from me." She avoids looking directly at you, in fact, her eyes wander the floor. "I do trust you Clarke." You understand that it is hard for her to say these things and it makes you feel blessed. To have her trusting you.

"I know how hard that is for you," you say, coming closer.

Your eyes meet and she looks at you as if you are the only one who understands her. You know that's not true. If that was true, then she wouldn't take a step forward and say "You think our ways are harsh, but that's how we survive." If you were really the only one who understood the Commander, then she would show some kind of emotion.

"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving," you shoot back. You want her face to soften. You want to make her heart start beating faster - because that's the way she makes you feel and you want to be able to do the same. "Don't we deserve better than that?"

You don't look into her eyes again because how cold and emotionless she is hurts you. You are used to people being harsh towards you, they always have and always will be. But you don't remember wanting anyone's love this badly.

"Maybe we do," she says.  _We do,_ you want to say.  _After all these things we've been through and after all these people we lost, even at least for one night, we need to live, not just survive._ You don't say anything other than that. You can't. You know that it will only result in that emotionless gaze and you can't stand it.

However, you slowly raise your head again because the Commander is looking at you and you can feel it. You don't want to over-analyze her -because she is only a teenager like you after all, and you shouldn't try to read her like the Bible - but her eyes are sparkling and it makes you feel  _things._

Your eyes lock and you feel like your souls are connected in this moment. You don't want to think like that. But the temptation is irresistible.

Then suddenly, the Commander grabs your cheek - she does it in such a soft way and her hands are also so soft that for a moment, your world only consists of her hands. And after that, she presses her lips against yours and you become unable to even feel her hands. All you can feel is how soft her lips are and how gently she moves them.

In an instinct, you kiss her back. You can't hear anything, you can't see anything. You can only feel how beautiful her lips feel. Her hand is resting so gently on your cheek and you feel overwhelmed by her existence. Then you finally start thinking because your mind has stopped working the moment she had kissed you.

 _She is kissing you,_ you think to herself, barely responding to the kiss.  _You have looked at her lips so many times imagining this moment to come and now you are doing nothing._ You know there is a difference between what is happening and what you want to happen. You want her to look at you and feel  _in love._

You won't be doing this again until her eyes show something other than anger, disgust or plain coldness.

So when she leans in to continue kissing you, you take a step back. "I'm sorry," you say, your voice filled with slight pain you are trying to cover up. "I-I'm not ready, to be with anyone. Not yet." Words barely come out of your mouth but you feel even more disappointed to see that she doesn't feel pained.

It almost looks like she doesn't care about you and maybe she really doesn't.

She doesn't say anything and you don't either but the look on your face is giving away how sad you are to make this decision, you know that your face isn't emotionless like hers. You hope that she understands that you are not ready. Yet. When you are brave enough to describe your feelings towards her and make sure that she feels the same, you will be more than eager.

But then there are noises outside and they are telling Heda to come quick.

While rushing outside, you think that you will be waiting for the day you feel ready and she will feel the same for you. It might take forever, but you will be waiting. 

* * *

You might be dead by now, because you haven't been able to see anything for a while and when they lift the bag over your face; you see her.

"Hello Clarke," she says, standing up from her throne. Your eyes widen. There are things you are expecting to see like some murderers -and Ice Queen, maybe- but you are not expecting to see her. She has left you. She has  _betrayed_ you. She walks closer to you and you see the anger in her eyes as she says "The deal was for you to bring her to me unharmed."

"She didn't come easy," he replies with a slight smirk on her face. You know for a fact that if you weren't tied, you would try to attack them. But all you can do is sit down and stare at her eyes. Normally, you would more than enjoy this. Now, you keep reminding yourself that she  _betrayed_ you. She said she wouldn't but she did.

Her eyes are fixed on you. "I expect not."

"I’ve done my part, now do yours. Lift my banishment." You want to close your eyes, you cannot. Her eyes are mesmerizing, always have, always will be. You know it. You are trying to focus on other things - like the things she says to him. It is hard to do so.

"I’m told your mother’s army marches on Polis," she says. You might be kidnapped, but you know things are happening.

He doesn't seem to care, you can understand from his voice. "That has nothing to do with me. Honor our deal."

"I’ll honor our deal when your Queen honors my coalition. Lock Prince Roan of Azgeda away." And then, the people behind the Commander's back walk forward. They harshly grab the man and take him to God knows where. All you know that you are boiling with pure anger.

She  _betrayed_ you, she put you in  _this_ situation, she  _harmed_ you.

"What of Wanheda?" The man behind her asks.

She raises her hands. "Leave us." You want to yell at her, to fight her, to kill her even. You have so much anger directed towards her and you don't even understand how this happened. "You heard me," she says to the man who looks at them once more. Then she says another thing and two men help you up. She is tender when she says "I'm sorry," and takes off the gag.

However your mind is repeating the same things over and over. She  _betrayed_ you, she put you in  _this_ situation, she  _harmed_ you. You  _hate_ her.

"It had to be this way. I had to ensure Wanheda didn’t fall into the hands of the Ice Queen." Her words doesn't make anything better or more tolerable for you. She  _betrayed_ you, she put you in  _this_ situation, she  _harmed_ you. You  _hate_ her. "War is brewing, Clarke." Her eyes soften and maybe she has some emotion there this time, but you don't want to know. "I need you."

She  _betrayed_ you, she put you in  _this_ situation, she  _harmed_ you. You  _hate_ her.

So you spit at her.

"You bitch! You wanted the Commander of Death, you got her!" You continue yelling as two men grab you in order to take you away. She budges so slightly as she wipes your spit off of her face. "I'll kill you!" The men drag you away as you yell your anger out. She  _betrayed_ you, she put you in  _this_ situation, she  _harmed_ you. You  _hate_ her.

You are so full of rage that you don't look at her eyes to see if she has any emotion in those.

* * *

You are in love with her. And there is no better feeling than knowing that she feels the same way.

"When do you leave?" she asks and her voice is laced in worry. You see the sadness in your eyes but you both know that you need to leave. For your people. It has always been about your people. Always has and always will be.

You don't want to see the look of disappointment on her face but you know that she understands. She is the Heda, of course she does. "Now." She understandingly nods and you walk up to her. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You have to go back to your people." She stops for a second, maybe trying to find the words to say. "That's why I-" Your eyes look directly into hers and you think that she looks so tender, so gentle. Her lips curl up slightly. "That's why you're you."

You reflect the pain she has in her eyes. It feels great. To be able to look into her eyes and see something other than anger there. To see compassion and love. To know that you finally make her feel the same way. It makes you wonder how could you get this lucky.

"Maybe someday you and I will owe nothing more to our people." She smiles at the thought of that.

But then the smile disappears and her voice is weak as she says "I hope so." You nod. She offers you her arm and you grab it. It feels good to be holding her. To truly understand that she is not as emotionless or untouchable as she seems to be. "May we meet again."

Your eyes move from her eyes to lips and you hesitate for a second before leaning in, gently cupping her cheek and pressing your lips onto hers. It feels different from the time you've first done it. You can understand it. Her hand goes to your neck. Being this close to her overwhelms you.

And when you part your lips -because even though you're sure you can live with Lexa as your only life supply, the human body doesn't allow it- she is crying and her lips are trembling. Not only her body but her soul is so close to you at this moment and you can feel it. She kisses you again.

This time, it is more passionate and you realize that you don't want to leave her. Never. You want her to be the person you spend your entire life with. So as you deepen the kiss, you wrap your hands around her neck and she comes even closer.

You are feeling things that you didn't know that existed. She makes you feel like this.

She sits on her bed and you lock eyes. There are tears running down her cheek and she is looking at you with so much love and passion that you lose your breath then and there. You love her.

You are  _in love_ with her. And this time, so is she and you can see it in her eyes.


End file.
